Love my girl

Last night, I spent from the time I got home from work to about 11:00PM helping Yuliya study for a Utah History test. For some reason, history has been her hardest subject in school. We went over and over facts, dates, peoples, etc., and at about 8:00 PM, when I felt like she wasn't appreciating my efforts, I asked her if she understands that I am doing this for her, and not for me. Well for a few minutes it turned into a conversation about gratitude, and I should have let it go, but I kind of hammered her for a few minutes and made her feel bad. (I know, BAD dad!!) We continued to study untill 11PM, and went to bed.

This morning I woke up and ended up taking her to school early so she could study a little more. I came home and took out my cell phone to make a call. There, on my cell phone, was a picture she had taken and put as my wallpaper. It was a picture of a note she wrote in big blue letters on a piece of paper, and it simply said I ♥ you, dad!

It's moments like these make me wonder what I ever did without her in my life. I need these moments, even if they are few and far between, to offset the moment like I had last night where I should have just kept my mouth shut.

Our 2010 hosting experience and my ramblings

 

This morning we dropped off Anastasia at the airport along with all of the other families and their hosted kids. Like in year's past, this was the hardest part of the hosting journey. Just to back up a little bit, we sat down with Anastasia the evening of the skating event. She was in particularly good spirits, and felt it was a good time. Yuliya interpreted and we asked her how she liked our family, America, etc. All indications were that she loved it all, but when we got to the question of adoption, she gave us a firm but gentle 'no'. We were a little surprised by her quick response, but understood why after she explained how her 12-yr sister was in the orphanage with her. She also said that her parents still visited her periodically. When he hosted Yuliya, she had been abandoned at age 6 and had bonded with us to a state of wanting to be adopted, so after we saw some of the same behaviors with Anastasia, we were preparing mentally to possibly do this all again. It was a bit of an emotional let down when she said no. We told her we respected her desire to be with her family and promised to write her and send her care packages. The hosting experience wasn't quite the same after that, but we still had a wonderful time with her. Looking back, this hosting experience was a little different that Yuliya, as Yuliya had been hosted be a family in France several times. Thus, a lot of those 'rough edges' had already worn off by the time we hosted her. Anastasia on the other hand, bless her heart, is a true orphan girl, and we dealt with a few things we hadn't dealt with previously that are somewhat normal occurrences. Yuliya reminded us constantly that that is the 'ways of an orphanage', and hinted that she herself used to be like that.  The reminder of what life used to be like for her became a  unpleasant reminder for her during these past 16 days. It was an equally stark reminder for Carrie and I as to just how far our Yuliya has come since we brought her home in May 2009. Thinking back when we got home from Ukraine, Yuliya wanted to die her hair black and white, get additional ear piercings, wear Ukraine mini-skirts, etc. That crazy stuff has pretty much melted away, and most of what we encounter now is pretty much normal stuff every parent goes through with a 13 year old teen girl. She's come into her own self and has turned into the sweetest, most loving girl. Not a day goes by when we don't thank God for this little miracle.

This is the first time Save A Child has hosted kids from this orphanage and obviously no adoptions have yet occurred. Thus, these kids don't realize what opportunity they are missing out on by saying no to adoption. Additionally, one of the chaperons this year from Anastasia's orphanage was not very pro-American, so the combination of those 2 things has left a few families like ourselves who were considering and perhaps hoping to adopt a little hurt. When the kids from Sumy and Dnipro came last year, those hosted kids met many adopted kids here in America from their same orphanage. These kids told the orphan kids what a wonderful life they have after being adopted. When the first adopting family goes to that region to adopt from her orphanage, they are going to be trailblazers for the rest of the families. The other kids are going to see that adoption and the family, remember what it was like for them, and realize that they really do want that life. It is then up to the families that hosted them if that happens.

During our time with Anastasia, we discovered an amazing little girl with so much potential. We'll never forget her bubbly personality and beautiful smile. We pray that her family and country take care of her and she grows up to a productive member of society while staying on the straight and narrow. The statistics are stacked against her, but we'll pray for her. To the host families that had kids indicate that they wanted to be adopted, please listen to your hearts when it comes to looking for answers. If it is meant to happen, follow your heart! Just like getting married, paying tithing, or going on a mission, if you listen to your heart, the Lord will help you take care of the logistics. There have been so many miracles in families that took that leap of faith and saw the miracles fall into place.

Hosting 2010

We hadn't originally planned on hosting. After we lost Nadiya, our heart were broken. Nanette worked a little magic on us, after which we decided to host. Originally, we felt that this might be the way to how it should be. But as time went on, we began to second guess ourselves a bit and wonder if it was a desire to fill the hole that Nadiya left. We were nervous and a little scared. Well, on Friday of last week, we picked up a darling little girl named Anastasia from the airport. She has been an amazing guest in our home. She's always laughing, loves to sing, and draws with amazing talent. Her sweet spirit is touching our hearts, and once again, like we did in 2007 with Yuliya, we ask ourselves everyday how anyone could leave this sweet girl in an orphanage, which is followed by the dreaded thought of sending her back to the place where so many terrible memories for her exists. After seeing so many other amazing kids at the activities, I have a feeling that we are not the only ones going through this change of heart. As the song goes, '...the nearest thing to Heaven is a child'. Whoever wrote those lyrics probably hosted a child from Ukraine. 

(P.S. If anyone asks, we did NOT post this picture).

A journey's end....

We got a call a few weeks ago with the heart-breaking news that Nadiya was fostered out to a family in Ukraine. She agreed to go, signed the papers, and was taken when the social worker who was our advocate all this time was on vacation. This all happened so quickly, we had no chance of stopping it. It's over, and we're left with broken hearts. Our faciliatator has been working hard to get some answers, talk to the family, etc., and perhaps get the good news that this is somehow all a fluke and that we can go get her after all. But that false hope is fading as we struggle to get answers from anyone in Ukraine. We have SO many questions as to what happened, why she went, how it all went down, where she is, how she really feels about it all. We have been through anger, sadness, hope, despair, anxiety, fear, etc...but in the end, the one thing that is consistent is the pain in our hearts. We worked for 18 months to bring her home and it all ended 3 months before we adopted her. Getting that emotionally close and then have it all come crashing down feels as if we lost one our own.

To Nadiya - you came into our lives and changed us for the better. Yuliya has only the fondest memories of you. You had a profound effect on her for so many years. Together, you both made it through some ugly times in life. We will never forget you. We pray that your life will turn out differently, and that you will not make the same mistakes of the people who chose to let you sit in a lonely orphanage for 12 years, only to suddenly jump into action when the 'Americans' wanted to give you the life that every child deserves.


We love you forever....

Pioneer Trek '10

Earlier this year, shortly after Yuliya was baptized, the young men and women were told that they would be doing Pioneer Trek this year. That idea of camping outside without a roof over their heads terrifies Yuliya. When she first got here, we went camping up American Fork canyon, and she insisted that she did not want to sleep in the mountains. It scared her to death. Later on, she explained how in Ukraine, people don't camp outside in a tent or under the start. When she wsa in the orphanage, she would go to summer camp in the mountains (rolling hills by Utah standards) in cabin-type enclosures. (When we were in Sumy, we were able to go and see these. They were indeed enclosed with doors, but they resembled room that I would envision at a 1-star hotel in a ghost town, complete with cracked windows, worn out and stained mattresses with squeaky springs, wobbly table with 1 or 2 chairs...definitely not a place I would choose as a summer vacation.) Yuliya was insistent that she was not going, and there was no changing her mind. We didn't push it, as her fears of becoming bear or wolf kibble, getting killed in a flash flood, etc. were very real.

A couple of weeks ago, our bishop had a meeting for all of the youth at his home. They do this once a month and cover topics in the 'For The Strength of Youth' pamphlet. At the end of this particular meeting, they began talking about final preparations for trek. In weeks past, Yuliya ups and leaves at this point. But this time, 2 of her best friends (Macey and Alex) were there and she stuck around. I am not sure what was said, but after the meeting, Yuliya came home and into the kitchen where I was emptying the dishwasher. She looked at me and said 'Dad, guess what?'. I replied with 'what?', and she almost lost her breath, went white as a sheet, and repeated again, 'guess what?'. We went back and forth with this for a few seconds, each time a little more dramatic. Clearly she was extremely nervous. Finally, in her cute accent, she said 'Dad, I am going to trek!', then stared at me with pursed lips as if those were the 6 hardest words she had EVER spoken! In her heart, they probably were, and the first thing she asked after she took a breath was if she could take Carrie's bottle of Mace with here to fend of any hungry grizzlies. With a smile, I asked her if she was sure about going, and she said yes. She then went and broke the news to Carrie, and explained how she would go ONLY if she could be in a family with a ma and pa that would take care of her, and in the same family as Macey. I called the bishop later that night, and after he picked himself off of the floor from shock, he said 'consider it done'. Brandon (our eldest son) knew he was going long ago, and I think that not only made her feel safer, but also made her think 'If Macey, Brandon and my other friends can do it, so can I!'. One thing about a Ukrainian ex-orphan, they never back down from a challenge.

So this morning, at 4:00AM, the whole family awoke and helped get Brandon and Yuliya out the door to trek. Carrie and I half expected Yuliya at anytime to say 'I changed my mind'. But she was a real trooper, and Brandon has been a great big brother for her. I dropped them off at the stake center, made sure they were with their family, snapped a few pictures, and slowly walked away. It was a very uneasy feeling to leave Yuliya there, realizing that she would be completely in the hands of someone else for 3 days. She's had sleepovers and late nights with friends, but she always had a phone we could call her. So this is a big step for all of us. All will go well and she is in good hands, but it is a first, and a little scary first. As the day has gone on, that is wearing off and I am realizing that for 3 days, I don't have any teenagers in the house! I think a long nap or 2 are in order. I think I still remember what a long nap is.

Brandon and Yuliya, my 2 teenagers (both are 13)


Yuliya, Macey and another friend (it was 5AM, can you tell?)

As a side note, I remember reading several blogs from the groups that had adopted in 2008 (Rogers, Milnes, Millers, etc.). I am not sure if they all got together and talked about this beforehand, but several of these families sat down with their kids before coming to America and laid out some ground rules, and their child(ren) had to agree to them before the adoption was final. In hindsight, I admire them for laying down some expectations, and holding their feet to the fire with these rules before the adoption would be completed. To this day, even though each kid is a typical teenager in their own way, those kids remember and know what is expected of them. Well, as Brandon and Yuliya have been going to these meetings at the bishops house, I began looking through their pamphlet. At the end of this little booklet is a summary of the standards. As I read, I felt a huge sense of relief! There, in front of my nose, were exactly the rules of teenagedom in our home, spelled out in black and white. The relief came because I now have something real to reference, rather than making them feel like Carrie and I make up the rules as we go. Both Yuliya and Brandon are young enough to have not had any real issues with any of these standards, but going forward, these will be excellent to reference as the 'unbend-able', no-gray-area rules. Too bad staying up late, getting up late, complaining about chores, procrastination, watching too much TV, and a few others are not on this list! :) http://www.lds.org/library/display/0,4945,30-1-7-9,00.html

13!

Yuliya turned 13 years old on March 19. It's hard to believe we met her when she was 10! Next month it will be 1 year since we left for Ukraine to get her. It seems so long ago, but looking through old posts, it brings back memories like they were yesterday.

Yuliya, October 2007


Yuliya, Feb 2010

Yuliya had a massive 13th birthday party. It originally started with 8 girls, but somehow, unbeknownst to us until the night before, she ended up inviting nearly every girl in her class. 16 girls showed up! Our home was pandemonium. We took them all to the mall (in 3 separate cars), and Carrie organized a scavenger hunt. She split them up into 3 separate groups, handed each group $12, then gave them a list of things they had to get. The list included something paper, liquid, metal, plastic, cloth, and a couple of other things. Unleashing 16, 12- & 13-year old girls in the University Mall as a little unnerving, but it all ended well, and back at home, they had a fashion show where they dressed up one of the girls in their group and our family room was the walkway for their display. It was the perfect party for this age group, and I am sure their parents were so thankful for the sugar we pumped them up on. Here is a little video collage from her birthday.

Looking back, what have we learned at this point? The other day, Yuliya told us that the frustrating part of her early days here was that we would talk to her, and sometimes even get frustrated with her, and she had no clue what was going on! Sometimes in the early days, she simply wanted to please us, and admits saying 'yes' or 'no' many times, not realizing exactly why. We realize now that she would yes' us to death, and I hesitate to admit that there were times when we fooled ourselves interpreting those yes's to actually mean yes, which at times led to feelings of intentional defiance when her yes wasn't really yes. Does that make sense? Looking back, there were times we should have met with an interpreter a lot more, just to make sure we were all on the same page with certain things.

After an adoption, time can be measured in 3-month increments: The first 3 months are tough. Really tough, as 2 separate worlds come together and try to meet in the middle somewhere. Every 3 month increment thereafter that gets easier and easier.

So to those families getting ready to adopt, just remember that these kids come to us in a figuratively toddler state. The things it took years and years to teach your biological kids have to be taught to your older child(ren). Fortunately, these kids come to us with a sense of desire to learn and fit in, and with a little patience, love, patience, understanding, and patience, you'll look back from your 1 year mark and say 'Wow, we really have come a LONG ways!', and the moments of 'what in the world have I gotten myself into' get fewer and further between. And to us men -- I've learned that it is extra important to pay attention to anniversaries, birthdays, and spontaneity. After all, at the end of the day, it's the perpetual warm love of a mom that keeps these kids and the rest of the family going in the right direction. It's that same love that got us all to this point way back when these kids came to our homes as hosted children.

Yuliya's baptism day

Yuliya is officially baptized!

Here are a few pictures from this memorable day. Ukraine held a lot of unpleasant memories, and being 12 years old, Yuliya was keenly aware of what is right and wrong, even before coming to America. After her baptism and confirmation, it's been a real transformation for her to have that gift and to realize that the past is the past. Other families have said that there is a real, noticeable change once the are baptized, and now Carrie and I see exactly what they are talking about.

Thank you everyone for your support. Even those that could not be there send words of support. Having to many wonderful friends and amazing family is truly a blessing!

Yuliya's Baptism

We're excited to announce that Yuliya has picked January 30th as the date she wants to be baptized. She's been working diligently with the sister missionaries for many months and is very much looking forward to this day. We've caught brief glimpses into some of her Ukrainian past. One painful memory was at age 5, when her mother forced her to shoplift from stores because the money they had for food was being used for booze. Yuliya has expressed emphatically how excited she is that God is going to look at her baptism day when she can finally put all of those 'bad things' behind her and come to peace with her past, knowing that God remembers them no more.

This is a huge step towards our family being together for time and all eternity. We couldn't be more proud of her! The baptism will be January 30th at 2:00PM at the Traverse Mountain Stake Center in Lehi. All of our family, friends, and Save A Child family are invited! (Directions to Traverse Mountain Stake Center:
From I-15, take Highland/Alpine Exit. Turn east onto SR-92 (toward Alpine) for approx ¾ mile. Turn left onto Morning Glory Rd and follow this winding road for approx 1.5 miles. Turn left onto Chapel Ridge Road near the top of the hill. Stake Center is ½ a block on the right.
).